Can a Relationship Help You Heal? — Ashley & Lair Torrent
Sometimes the parts of us that helped us survive are the very parts that make love harder to receive.
Ashley and Lair Torrent both learned early to become what the people around them needed. Ashley learned to read every room, care for everyone else, and disconnect from herself when life became unsafe. Lair learned to be the good boy, the caretaker, and the hero, while making his own needs and feelings as small as possible.
Today, Ashley is a psycho-spiritual counsellor, intuitive medium, and spiritual guide. Lair is a licensed therapist and the author of The Practice of Love. Together, they co-host The Practice of Love podcast and have spent more than 25 years learning what it means to love each other well.
In this episode, Robin, Ashley, and Lair explore how childhood wounds become adult relationship patterns, why conflict is rarely about what it appears to be, and what it takes to stop fighting to win and start listening for what is underneath the reaction. They talk about protective parts, the “not enough” wound carried by so many men, and why some of our deepest healing can only happen in relationship.
Ashley and Lair do not present love as perfect or easy. They share what it has taken to become mirrors and safe containers for each other, to receive difficult truths without turning away, and to recognize when the parts of themselves built for protection are taking over.
This is a conversation about what it takes to keep choosing connection and why love is not just something we feel, but something we practise again and again.
This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. When life feels overwhelming, therapy can help. Sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com/loveready.
IN THIS EPISODE
(00:00:00) Introduction
(00:03:49) How Ashley & Lair Learned to Love
(00:09:09) The Good Boy, the Caretaker & the Hero
(00:16:22) When Survival Patterns Enter the Relationship
(00:20:09) Becoming Mirrors for Each Other
(00:23:21) The Moment Healing Begins
(00:32:47) What Are You Really Fighting For?
(00:38:03) The “Not Enough” Wound in Men
(00:48:01) Healing Happens in Relationship
(00:54:05) What Love Teaches Us
QUOTES
“Sometimes the thing that helped us survive becomes the very thing that keeps us from the love we want.” – Robin Ducharme
“There’s a part of me here that is not designed for connection. There’s a part of me here that is designed for protection.” – Lair Torrent
“Anytime I’m fighting to win, that means she loses. If she loses, that means we lose.” – Lair Torrent
“You’re fighting about something, but really, you’re fighting for something.” – Ashley Torrent
“Love requires work. It takes responsibility. It requires a lot of courage.” – Robin Ducharme
“It’s a myth that you’re going to do all the healing on your own. I think it’s in relationship that we heal the most.” – Ashley Torrent
“Love asks more of us. It’s asking you to dig into yourself and find the wounds that are there, the things that need healing, the parts of you that nobody claps for.” – Lair Torrent
ABOUT THE GUESTS
Ashley and Lair Torrent bring a rare mix of psychology and spirituality to conversations about love. Ashley is a psycho-spiritual therapist and intuitive medium who works with individuals and couples and co-hosts The Blue Butterfly Effect Podcast; Lair is a marriage and family therapist and author of The Practice of Love, with work featured by NPR, Rolling Stone, and The New York Times. Together, the longtime couple co-hosts The Practice of Love Podcast, exploring what it means to love with intentionality, curiosity, and care.
Instagram: @ashleytorrent29 @lairtorrentholistictherapist
Website: ashleytorrent.com , lairtorrent.com
GET THE REAL LOVE READY BOOK
Real Love Ready: A Guide to Relational Literacy is a clear, compassionate guide to the knowledge, skills, and daily practices that help us love with greater intention, truth, and heart.
https://geni.us/RealLoveReadyBook
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